Sports channel shifts telecast of F1 races

Mumbai: A week after sports minister MS Gill’s statement that F1 not a sport, television channels are scrambling for the right program placement.

Yesterday, Star TV India announced they will shift F1 races from Star Sports to Star Plus entertainment channel. The races will be telecasted between Sajan Ghar Jana Hai and Sabki Laadli Bebo, other equally popular shows. FIA, the governing body of F1 is also contemplating changes in the race format. Like during the pre-race session, racers may discuss their relationship with wives/girlfriends on live television. Other programs on cards are Cooking with Hamilton and Kimi Räikkönen Talk Show.

In a similar move, DD Sports is planning to shift World Rally Championship to DD National. DD will also shift Pole Vault competitions because of the usage of carbon fiber pole which does not “satisfy conditions which focus on human endeavor for excelling in competition with others”.

Kaminey row: Underworld lodged FIR against Producer Vishal Bhardwaj

Mumbai : A day after Mumbai gangsters burned posters of Vishal Bhardwaj’s latest film, ‘Kaminey’, protesting against this Shahid Kapoor-starrer containing a ‘‘derogatory depiction’’ of the underworld, local police have filed a case against the producer of the film alleging profanity.
‘‘There are scenes in the film in which the gangsters are shown as merciless killers. They have also portrayed underworld as a threat to law and order and manipulators of corrupt cops. This desecrates our image and discourages young people wanting to join us,’’ said Kallu Zinga, sharp shooter.

Police said Underworld Sena, had lodged an FIR, alleging profanity. ‘‘We have registered a case against the producer for hurting sentiments of gangsters across India and Dubai,’’ said Mumbai inspector Derrick Lobo.

Case registered in parliament ragging case

Delhi: Most of us identify ragging incidences only with students and educational institutes. But an unfolding case has revealed that people with responsibility to run the country also take pleasure in tormenting newly joined colleagues.

Narayan Murthy, non-executive Chairman and Chief Mentor of Infosys, yesterday formally registered a complaint of ragging of his protégé, Nandan Nilekani by other cabinet ministers. Nandan Nilekani had recently moved to Delhi to head an ambitious government program to equip every Indian with a biometric Unique Identification Card.

The five page statement submitted by Narayan Murthy to President Pratibha Patil detailed Nandan’s ordeal since June 2009.

Second day in the job, a group of drunk senior cabinet ministers arrived at Nandan’s home on Tuglak Road in wee hours of morning. He was forcefully taken to the Parliament House and asked to measure periphery of the building with a smartcard. Nandan was set free only when the guards arrived on morning shift. A week later when Nandan was on his way to Parliament cafeteria, some seniors forced him to collect Swiss Bank account numbers from the female colleagues. But the biggest embarrassment to Nandan was when he was invited for a ‘shorts only’ party in what turned out to be the reception of US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

Narayan Murthy has requested the President to take strict action against the offenders. When asked by the reporters about whereabouts of Nandan, Mr. Murthy said that he is recuperating in Infy’s Mysore campus. He also added that Nandan had been complaining of ragging since the day he joined the parliament.

"He had been complaining of ragging ever since he joined the parliament. When I asked to talk to the PM or President, he said it would hurt his ability to get bills sanctioned if I complained. He said all new cabinet ministers depend on the seniors for getting bills passed. So I kept quiet. This should not happen to any other cabinet minister," said Narayan Murthy.

First ouster in ‘Iss Chintan Baithak Se Muze Bachao’

Simla: The mega hit reality show ‘Iss Chintan Baithak Se Muze Bachao’ (ICBSMB) saw its first causality yesterday. The participants unanimously voted out Jaswant Singh, a veteran BJP leader and MP. Mr. Singh became unpopular when he inadvertently sang ‘Jinnah tere bina kya jina’, a popular Pakistani anthem during the Antakshari competition. Some critics are calling Jaswant Singh’s ouster as a gimmick to increase TRP. If it is true then the move is certainly working. According to Neilson rating agency, about 50% young adults watched the episode on Monday. The only show that competed for eyeballs during the same time was 'Lingerie Walk' on Fashion TV.

ICBSMB was conceived by the cultural wing of Bharatiya Janata Party. According to show’s promotional material, last person standing will be chosen as the successor to current party Chief LK Advani. Incidentally, Mr. Advani is also participating in the show and doing his best to remain in the game.

ICBSMB consists of part games and part brainstorming sessions. BJP president Rajnath Singh seems to be overall favorite after winning five meter dash on crutches and bladder control competition. Narendra Modi has become another hot favorite after he gave foot massage to several senior party leaders.

The show had its awkward moments too. During the Vegetable Cutting team competition, BJP spokesperson Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi refused to go near to his partner Varun Gandhi who was wielding a large knife.

According to a BJP insider, Vasundhara Raje may end her rebellion against the party’s directive to quit as leader of the opposition in the Rajasthan Assembly in exchange wild card entry to the show.

There is lot more excitement coming in the future episodes of ‘Iss Chintan Baithak Se Muze Bachao’. So keep your eyes glued to the idiot box.

Real person lifts phone at bank helpdesk

Miracles do happen and who better than Vijay Sawant from Mumbai to tell you so. On Friday morning Vijay experienced a marvel when he called at ICICI bank to cancel to his credit card. The phone was answered by a real person instead of automatic voice response system (AVRS). “It looked like a normal day. I woke up at ten. Got ready and was planning to go at Rakesh’s house for video games. Just thought to dial the ICICI helpdesk number.” Vijay said.

In fact, to all his previous eleven calls to ICICI were answered by AVRS. According to Vijay, AVRS kept hanging him whenever he reached near the credit card cancellation menu. Vijay excitedly added, “So this was my twelfth call and heard ‘hello’ from other side. Initially I thought it is the AVRS, but the voice said ‘who is it’, and that’s when I realized it was a real person, a lady on other side”. Apparently, no one believed Vijay when he narrated the incidence to his friends including Rakesh.

This reporter tracked down the person who had talked to Vijay that day. Pinky (name changed) has been working with ICICI call center for past 9 months. “The AVRS was down and we were all chatting and sipping coffee. The phones were continuously ringing everywhere but as per protocol customers can’t talk to us directly without being bombarded with useless 10 minute AVRS messages. Then Rekha, the big show-off was telling us about her new handbag. I don’t know what happened next. There I lifted the nearest phone”. She also confirmed that the customer (Vijay) could not believe it was a real human on phone. “Glad that I made his day. Unfortunately I couldn’t help him with card cancellation. The systems were down” She concluded with a blush.

Mayawati Plans New Statues

Lucknow: Just after a few days when her political rival Mulayam Singh threaten to bulldoze her statues, Chief Minister Mayawati has come back with vengeance. The UP Minister of Infrastructure Development has declared a plan to build 10 more of Mayawati statues in and around Lucknow.

However, it lookes like the threat to bulldoze has been taken quite seriously. According to the plan, all statues will be made with Titanium, one of the strongest materials known to man. The plan further explains that the statue base will be buried 20 meters underground to make it enormously tough to uproot the structure.

The entire project will cost about 1000 Cr to UP Government coffers. One of the senior BSP officials said that the money is no matter since the benefits outweigh. “Imagine that everywhere you go in this beautiful city you see figurine of our great leader, wouldn’t it be such awe inspiring sight to the people of UP”, he said. He also applauded CM’s efforts to curtail cost by promising to reduce her weight by 5KG, thus requiring less Titanium proportionately.

Kapil Sibal faces ire

New Delhi : Class 4 employees associated with various examination boards across country expressed their anger in front of HRD Minister Kapil Sibal’s Delhi resident today. The protest was staged against proposed making the class X board exam optional in CBSE-affiliated schools, if possible from next year itself.

The crowd comprising of peons, drivers and cleaners are concerned that in important source of income through leaking questions papers is about to go away with dismissal of examination.

One of the protesters, Mr. Ram Prasad who worked with Delhi University said that Xth standard examinations are like harvest times. “We spend entire year preparing for exam season. Not only we liaison with printing press and paper setters but also train ourselves in skills like opening and closing of sealed packets after snatching questions paper out”, he said.

Mr. Prasad added that some of his experienced colleagues have taken up higher responsibilities like leaking the Law and Medical collages exam papers. “This proposal is like a bad dream. It is not only the matter of money but of our career growth too”, he said.

The protesters also met and voiced their concerns to Mr. Sibal. He promised them to look into the issue.

Congress drops Jai Ho!

New Delhi: Just a day after purchasing rights of the Oscar winning A.R. Rehman song ‘Jai Ho’, Congress Party has decided not to use it for the purpose it was bought. The heart thumping number which celebrates victory over evil was intended to be used as the theme song for upcoming Lok Sabha polls. The sudden decision was taken to avoid major embarrassment due to Spanish portion of the song. A Spanish verse thirty seconds into the song proclaims ‘I bow to the great beholder of Lotus’. Another verse towards the end welcomed Elephant rider to the city of kings. 

The party has decided not to use any theme song in this election. 

Chandrayan Discovers Life on Moon

Sriharikota - In a startling revelation, Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO) announced finding of a life form on the moon. The Moon Impact Probe (MIP) was released by lunar orbiter Chandrayan on the dark side of moon photographed two creatures walking side-by-side on Tuesday. Though the contour of creatures is not very clear since the photograph was taken from some distance, scientists feel that they are about 2-3 feet tall, furry with large adorable eyes.

“This is a new dawn in the history of mankind. Finally, we know that not alone in this universe.” said Dr. Krishnakant a senior space scientist with ISRO. “The pair includes a male and female, a couple I think. They seem to be the last living life on the moon. MIP will observe them over coming days. We want to know how do they survive in the extreme atmosphere and temperature over the moon. There’s a so much to learn from them. I wonder how would they react when they will encounter first human” He added. Meanwhile, NASA has proposed a joint expedition with ISRO to study the moon life form.

News Update:

Minutes after this news was announced, both moon creatures were poached. Speaking to our correspondent a poacher from Corbett National Park said his men were involved. “The meat was bad but we sold the fur for a hefty amount to a Chinese.” he said. 

New threat alert levels introduced

New Delhi: As an aftermath of 26/11, the home ministry has introduced alert levels to indicate nation’s threat status. The system has a five-step color-coded alert system. “The alert system indicates threat level to the establishment and people of India. It is based on the intercepted messages by our intelligence agencies” said Rakesh Mishra, a spokesman for the home ministry. 

The highest level, Red also known as ‘oh my god!’ level will be declared when terrorist threat is perceived to the lives of central or state government ministers, their keens or money managers. All wings of the defence forces, intelligence agencies and police and fire departments will be put on the highest preparedness to prevent any loss of life at this level. 

At a step lower, Orange or ‘can you believe this” indicates the lives of rich and influential people are in danger. Security experts have raised objection on Orange as most citizens in this level are in the Red category, making it absolutely redundant.  Third level in the color coded system is yellow or ‘what the f***’ when establishments like malls, multiplexes and gaming parlours are contemplated to be bombed by the terrorists. The threat level Green or ‘bad luck’ will be implemented when terrorists plan to target crowded places like markets or mass transit systems with an aim to kill hundreds of common citizens. At the lowest level is White or ‘normal’ to indicate no terrorist danger except to the hapless citizens in Jammu and Kashmir and Orissa.

 “We are a much safer country now,” concluded Mr. Mishra.

Ramalinga Raju confesses another scam

Hyderabad - It has come to light that Ramalinga Raju not only wrote a letter to the board giving details of inflated cash balances but he sent another letter to his wife Nandini detailing serious irregularities at home. According to the letter, Raju confessed that he has been lying to his family members about things never happened. 

Amongst the list of misappropriations, Raju mentioned that he promised to drop a coin everyday in his elder son’s piggy bank, but all he contributed  were pieces of chocolate wrappers and sometimes lint from his pocket. Raju regretted the incident when he proudly told Nandini he donated Rs. 100 to CRY but in reality he shooed away neighbour’s kid who asked for it. In the long list of misdeeds also includes an instance when Raju after a trip to the market, told Nandini he bought a kilo of onions but in reality they were just 700 grams. Apparently it was not only Nandini on the receiving end. A lot of ‘gifts’ Raju bought from his foreign trips, like slippers from his mother-in-law, towels for sons and shampoos for his nieces were lifted from the hotel rooms.

Raju ended the letter resigning as the head of the household. He requested Nandini to merge their family with another family from the neighbourhood. He advised her that Merrill Lynch can be entrusted with the task of quickly exploring some merger opportunities. 

Mayawati regrets, appeals to maintain party dignity

Lucknow – Addressing to a gathering of BSP workers, UP Chief Minister Mayawati appealed them to maintain ‘dignity’ of the party and refrain from the activities that harm the party image. Referring to the recent event of killing of Public Works Department engineer M K Gupta by BSP MLA Shekhar Tiwari, she said that he did adhere to party principles. “I was shocked to know Tiwari asked for a contribution of Rs. 50 lack, especially since my birthday fund was running short only of 10,” she said in unusually sombre voice.

“While my sympathies go to the family of victim, I hope people of UP will understand that my birthday bash is an important state event, and sometimes over enthusiastic worker can torture government employees in most inhumane way to make them participate in the joyous moment.” Mayawati also requested party workers not to consider themselves above law. “Only people who are above law are me and group of party backed henchmen. I wish Tiwari had involved us. The group of henchmen is not only good at the job but they can also remove all traces of evidence,” she said regretfully.

Truck driver honoured

Delhi, India - Truck driver Deewan Singh accepted ‘Trucker of the Year’ award by Heavy and Commercial Vehicles Association for keeping his truck in the slow lane during the entire drive between Delhi and Jaipur. “Having driven for last 17 years, one gets habituated driving in the fast lane with speeds between 20-30kmh” Deewan said while lovingly displaying his trophy, a crankshaft mounted on a wooden replica of human head. “On Tuesday morning when I decided to keep the truck in slow lane for the 180 KM journey I knew it was not going to be an easy task. How can one remain motivated without fist wrenches and abusive comments from smaller vehicle drivers trying to desperately overtake?” Deewan mentioned, and added that he also missed the traffic jams which crawl behind his truck.

 “This is our effort to honour heroes who do extraordinary things. Last year’s award went to a truckie from Coimbatore who maintained working tail lamps throughout the year,” president of the Association Ram Yadav said.