New threat alert levels introduced

New Delhi: As an aftermath of 26/11, the home ministry has introduced alert levels to indicate nation’s threat status. The system has a five-step color-coded alert system. “The alert system indicates threat level to the establishment and people of India. It is based on the intercepted messages by our intelligence agencies” said Rakesh Mishra, a spokesman for the home ministry. 

The highest level, Red also known as ‘oh my god!’ level will be declared when terrorist threat is perceived to the lives of central or state government ministers, their keens or money managers. All wings of the defence forces, intelligence agencies and police and fire departments will be put on the highest preparedness to prevent any loss of life at this level. 

At a step lower, Orange or ‘can you believe this” indicates the lives of rich and influential people are in danger. Security experts have raised objection on Orange as most citizens in this level are in the Red category, making it absolutely redundant.  Third level in the color coded system is yellow or ‘what the f***’ when establishments like malls, multiplexes and gaming parlours are contemplated to be bombed by the terrorists. The threat level Green or ‘bad luck’ will be implemented when terrorists plan to target crowded places like markets or mass transit systems with an aim to kill hundreds of common citizens. At the lowest level is White or ‘normal’ to indicate no terrorist danger except to the hapless citizens in Jammu and Kashmir and Orissa.

 “We are a much safer country now,” concluded Mr. Mishra.

Ramalinga Raju confesses another scam

Hyderabad - It has come to light that Ramalinga Raju not only wrote a letter to the board giving details of inflated cash balances but he sent another letter to his wife Nandini detailing serious irregularities at home. According to the letter, Raju confessed that he has been lying to his family members about things never happened. 

Amongst the list of misappropriations, Raju mentioned that he promised to drop a coin everyday in his elder son’s piggy bank, but all he contributed  were pieces of chocolate wrappers and sometimes lint from his pocket. Raju regretted the incident when he proudly told Nandini he donated Rs. 100 to CRY but in reality he shooed away neighbour’s kid who asked for it. In the long list of misdeeds also includes an instance when Raju after a trip to the market, told Nandini he bought a kilo of onions but in reality they were just 700 grams. Apparently it was not only Nandini on the receiving end. A lot of ‘gifts’ Raju bought from his foreign trips, like slippers from his mother-in-law, towels for sons and shampoos for his nieces were lifted from the hotel rooms.

Raju ended the letter resigning as the head of the household. He requested Nandini to merge their family with another family from the neighbourhood. He advised her that Merrill Lynch can be entrusted with the task of quickly exploring some merger opportunities. 

Mayawati regrets, appeals to maintain party dignity

Lucknow – Addressing to a gathering of BSP workers, UP Chief Minister Mayawati appealed them to maintain ‘dignity’ of the party and refrain from the activities that harm the party image. Referring to the recent event of killing of Public Works Department engineer M K Gupta by BSP MLA Shekhar Tiwari, she said that he did adhere to party principles. “I was shocked to know Tiwari asked for a contribution of Rs. 50 lack, especially since my birthday fund was running short only of 10,” she said in unusually sombre voice.

“While my sympathies go to the family of victim, I hope people of UP will understand that my birthday bash is an important state event, and sometimes over enthusiastic worker can torture government employees in most inhumane way to make them participate in the joyous moment.” Mayawati also requested party workers not to consider themselves above law. “Only people who are above law are me and group of party backed henchmen. I wish Tiwari had involved us. The group of henchmen is not only good at the job but they can also remove all traces of evidence,” she said regretfully.

Truck driver honoured

Delhi, India - Truck driver Deewan Singh accepted ‘Trucker of the Year’ award by Heavy and Commercial Vehicles Association for keeping his truck in the slow lane during the entire drive between Delhi and Jaipur. “Having driven for last 17 years, one gets habituated driving in the fast lane with speeds between 20-30kmh” Deewan said while lovingly displaying his trophy, a crankshaft mounted on a wooden replica of human head. “On Tuesday morning when I decided to keep the truck in slow lane for the 180 KM journey I knew it was not going to be an easy task. How can one remain motivated without fist wrenches and abusive comments from smaller vehicle drivers trying to desperately overtake?” Deewan mentioned, and added that he also missed the traffic jams which crawl behind his truck.

 “This is our effort to honour heroes who do extraordinary things. Last year’s award went to a truckie from Coimbatore who maintained working tail lamps throughout the year,” president of the Association Ram Yadav said.